Advice Column from Dr. Ellen - August 29, 2007 August 29, 2007
Dear Dr. Ellen: I
have been married for 15 years. An old boyfriend found me via Classmates and emailed me. We met up for just a
few minutes. We emailed each other a couple of times after that and met up one or two more times. At the most,
we hugged. One of the emails from my old friend to me and my response to him, somehow ended up in my
husband’s mailbox. All hell broke loose. To my husband, he sees it as we slept together and all bad things
that come with a full fledged affair. He has lost all trust in me and does not believe anything I say. I still
love my husband VERY much, but my husband cannot move past this. I told my old friend goodbye long ago. Please
help! - Betty
Dear Betty: Your husband has every
right to feel betrayed and hurt from what you described. I know that if you had a very loving and
fulfilling marriage there would be trust on both of your parts. When he first contacted you, you should
have shared that with your husband. Then, if there was a meeting to take place, you could have asked your
husband if he wanted to go. He probably would have said, “No,” but at least you weren’t
hiding anything from him. I am going to take you through a scenario of what would happen in a loving and
fulfilling marriage,
Wife: Honey, I can’t believe it! Joe Smith, who
I dated in high school, just wrote me an email.
Husband: What did he say?
Wife: Here read it.
Husband: What exactly was your relationship with him
back then?
Wife: We dated for a while and then just lost touch
with each other as we moved on with our lives. I’ll just write back and tell him that I am happily
married and a little about my life.
Wife after a few emails, back and forth: Honey, Joe
says that he wants to meet. Come with me. I think it would be fun!
Husband: I’d rather not and I would prefer that
you didn’t go either. I’m very uncomfortable with you having an ongoing dialogue, and now meeting
someone who you dated, even if it was so many years ago.
Wife: Then I won’t go. If it was reversed, I
certainly wouldn’t want you to meet someone who you dated in high school.
Then the appropriate thing to do is to write the
following:
Dear Joe: It was so nice to hear from you and catch
up on each other’s lives. This will be my last email to you and I truly hope you will understand. My
husband is uncomfortable with me having an ongoing relationship with someone I used to date and I certainly
can’t blame him. If the tables were turned, I would feel the same way. Please say hello to your family
and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
And that, Betty, would be the end of your
conversation with him!
I don’t believe for one minute that an email
addressed to you wound up in your husband’s inbox by mistake. That is what he may have told you but I
think he was checking your emails and forwarded this one to himself so he could finally confront you. I
think that your husband knew that something about you was different and he wanted to find out exactly what
was going on. When a man or woman is hiding something, usually their spouse can feel that something is not
right even though they can’t quite put their finger on exactly what it is. That is when they start to
look for answers. I think your husband found his answer in your “sent box”and was hoping that you
would end this on your own. The fact that you were hiding this private relationship was proof to your
husband that there were feelings between the two of you. Otherwise, why wouldn’t you have shared it
with him?
So, at this point, all you can do is ask for your
husband’s forgiveness and validate his feelings. Tell him that he is welcome to call Joe and find out
that nothing went on. In time, with lots of love and assurance, your husband will forgive
you. - Dr. Ellen
Advice column responses where a
woman’s mother and sister were still having a relationship with her ex and refused to accept the fact
that she was divorced and now happily remarried. She had been married for 27 years and their six children had
all grown up and left home. Her mom talks about her ex in front of her new husband and even went as far as
showing her old wedding videos at Xmas and talking about "the good old days". Her mother frequently
has her ex stay at her place for a week or ten days at a time with his new girlfriend, who has been horrible
to her and her new husband. Her mother refused her requests that she not have them stay in what she
considered her family home. She doesn’t mind her ex calling her mom as a friend but is insulted that he
stays there for long periods of time. She wanted to know if her mom was being disloyal in not listening to
her wishes or was she being unfair and unreasonable.
Dear Rebecca: After being divorced for
three years, after just six years of marriage, I started dating a really great lady. At about the 3 month
mark, I wanted my folks to meet the new love of my life. Let me preface this by saying that my parents really
liked my ex-wife. Even knowing some of the things she had done during those six years, they still thought she
and I belonged together. Anyway, everything seemed to go very well that first night my parents met
mygirlfriend. They seemed to accept her without reservations. That is, until after dinner. My girlfriend had
gone to the car to get some things and my mother turned to me and said, "Don't you just wish things
were the way they used to be? Don't you just wish Dee were here instead of Tammy?" I was
flabbergasted. I looked at her and said, "Do you really think I'd rather have someone who lied to
me, cheated on me, and deceived me for six years, instead of someone who believes in honesty and integrity?
Are you serious?" Needless to say, it took quite a while before they accepted Tammy. Be patient. Your
folks will come through for you. - Gary
Dear Rebecca: I too, was one of those
mothers who still communicated with the ex son-in-law. The problem was that I didn't side with my
daughter, I just didn't take sides and she could not accept that. I wanted to see my grandchildren and I
loved my son-in-law. My daughter stopped speaking to me 7 years ago and I still feel severe pain over the
loss of my daughter. The son-in-law eventually stopped letting me see the children, as he remarried and moved
on and my wanting to see the kids was threatening to that relationship. If I had to do it over, I would still
not take sides. It was unfair of my daughter to expect me to side entirely with her, since she became very
hateful and vindictive with her ex. I just wanted to remain neutral. She would not even entertain the thought
of that and cut me off entirely. Maybe that is what your mom and sister think they are doing, not taking
sides when they really are. I assure you that your family does love you and would not want to hurt you
intentionally. They have no right to treat your new husband as an outcast and will come to sincerely regret
their actions. I really don't relate to doing something like that, but maybe it gives them comfort in
some insecure way. I think before you cut someone off you should explore every opportunity to not have to
part. My daughter never gave me or any of her siblings or other family members another thought and cut us all
out of her life. We miss her terribly, but SHE made that choice and now we all live with it. Explore all
avenues before taking the route of giving up your family. Sit down and explain your situation and the
alternatives you feel that you are going to be forced to make if things don't change. I think you will
see a different attitude at the thought of losing such a precious member of the family. I am sorry for your
situation and for my own. NOTHING is worse than losing a child, nothing. I know first hand. -
Anita
Dear Rebecca: I am in a similar
situation as you. My husband is so very cunning and powerful when it comes to handling people. He has kept in
contact with a couple of my former friends, a sister, a sister-in-law and our adult daughters, with his
cunning and powerful personality. I can always tell when he has been around someone. They usually start
treating me differently and soon there is no more relationship. When Dr. Ellen mentioned that she has talked
to several men who have bragged about getting everyone in their ex's family to side with them, I knew
that one of those men could have been John. I must keep all of my recent friends away from him to feel safe.
I'm always amazed how unaware people are to these types of men. -
Helen
Dear Dr. Ellen: First, let me say that
I respect your opinions and believe strongly in your relationship philosophies. In the case of Rebecca
however, I feel there is a whole lot more to the story than she is sharing. Rebecca admitted to having a 27
year marriage with her husband. That, in my humble opinion, is a very long marriage and is definitely enough
time to make another’s family your own; Rebecca’s mother for instance. You say it is inappropriate
for Rebecca’s husband to spend time with her mother as he does. I believe this is not necessarily the
best advice, given the fact that the entire story has not been told. What if Rebecca was the one who pulled
the plug on her marriage herself? Maybe her husband did not want to divorce her. Rebecca also admitted she is
happily re-married. If so, get over it and move on. The fact that her husband, and what seems to be her
entire family for that matter, still enjoys her husband's company, makes me ask, “Why is that?”
That fact alone brings me to doubt the seemingly innocent person Rebecca makes herself out to be. Why should
a man automatically distance himself from a 27 year relationship with his in-laws just because his wife
(speculation) chose to divorce him? I don’t think he should have to, especially if the family is ok with
it. I myself, would want to know exactly how Rebecca met her new husband. Maybe that little fact has
something to do with why a 27 year relationship came to and end, and why Rebecca is so concerned about how
the ex’s girlfriend “toasts” her husbands freedom! My two cents. -
Mike
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