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I’m in my 40s, never been married, with long-term relationships over the years and casual dating in between. My current eight year relationship has evolved into a state of inertia. While I’ve done it all—dating services, personal ads, fix-ups, taking classes, hobbies, you name it—the One just hasn’t shown up. Oh yeah, one or two made me feel the earth move and the angels sing, but in the end, it never worked out. My best chance occurred when I was 25. He was 45, and I’ve never met any man since who was as kind, funny, intelligent, or honest. But he felt our age was a problem. I would want children, and he already had two of his own. Here I am, almost 20 years later, no marriage, no children. His old assertion makes me laugh when I look back on it, but I guess he had his reasons. I am physically attractive, educated, own a business, and love to learn. My current relationship has been nice, but he isn’t as mentally stimulating as I would prefer. I think I know the answer, but would love to hear your version. It’s either not in my future, or I have to be open for the one to show up. I read the book “The Law of Attraction,” and maybe I need to be more positive and create a better environment for him to appear. My current boyfriend knows the state of my feelings, and is okay keeping things as they are. He knows we are never getting married. I can only marry if I truly believe the man is the love of my life. There’s just no compromise for me in that area. Should I break up, or remain in a holding pattern? Kari

Kari, a ship tied to the wrong dock can’t get under way.

A woman in a relationship walks around with the aura of a woman in a relationship. She knows who she is spending the weekend with. In addition, her friends don’t think of her as single. It may feel awkward to introduce her to someone, and if her friends like her boyfriend, they won’t want to hurt him.

Looking outside a relationship damages your character and puts doubts in the mind of others. The right sort of man doesn’t want a woman who is looking while in a committed relationship. A relationship is not an exchange of goods and services.

You have to be actually open, so the other person can sense that, feel that, and know there is a place for him. Thinking positive thoughts is great, but positive thought without action goes nowhere. You can’t think yourself into physical fitness or a college degree.

Look at how much would drop away if you were available. Your present relationship is over. You just need to do the “over” part.

Wayne & Tamara

Too Perfect

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.